i thought he'd be here forever

My Denny died on Monday, August 10, 2009. After fighting that nasty cancer for eight months, he just couldn't fight anymore.

we had so much fun together. the antics, the stunts, the completely silly things we did made me feel so young and alive. we didn't care what anyone thought of the two of us behaving like children, and it was fantastic.

the way he danced! oh my God how i'd laugh. he'd jump right up on the bar and start the goofiest strip tease i'd ever seen in my life, but for him, it worked. the time i sat at one of the tables shaking my head in disbelief stands out in my mind the most. that was the night he not only threw his hat and shirt on my head, i ended up with his pants, belt, and boots. as soon as he went for his drawers i shot him 'the look' and was spared that event. i laugh about that to this day.

once, i told him had the flattest ass i'd ever seen. the next time i saw him he immediately turned around, dropped his pants and announced to the entire bar 'does my ass look flat in these jeans?'. i could have slapped him, but i was laughing too hard.

people used to tell me he was always showing off for me, and that he'd light right up as soon as i walked into a room, or they'd say 'the way he looks at you! why aren't you two together?' to which i'd simply shrug. you see, these things i never saw. i only saw Denny, my friend, my buddy. the New Years Eve he stood before me and said "sometimes the thing you're looking for is standing right in front of you" i didn't know what to say. i thought he was talking about something that happened at another party he'd been at and was trying to tell me he screwed up with some woman he'd been chasing. it took me a few minutes to realize he meant me, but by then it was too late. that will haunt me for the rest of my life.

when he showed up at a benefit for a mutual friend of ours last December, i took one look at him and asked what was wrong. he was so thin! we hadn't seen each other in quite some time so we sat at a table and he told me about losing his sight sometimes, and how much his head hurt. he'd had some seizures too, so i begged him to go to the doctor. he began to cry a little, and i held him. then he sobbed because he said he knew he was dying but was too afraid to have it confirmed. three days later they found the brain tumor.

people ask if i was in love with him. i think i may have been at one point, but i pushed it aside for many reasons i still can't bring up to this day. and now he's gone and there's nothing i can do about it anyway.

i feel so empty. so terribly empty.

It's getting too close for comfort now..

Cate is due in less then two months, and i really feel she's no where near ready for this. i do see glimmers of hope that she's maturing ever so slightly, but she's still that spoiled brat who wants what she wants, when she wants it. i do believe she's gonna be shell shocked when she comes to the realization it's not just about her anymore. secretly, i'm looking forward to it..hehe.

having a baby in the house again is a bit exciting, scary, and downright inconvenient for my part. i've raised mine, and i already know as soon as she starts asking me to do this and that, i'm gonna get resentful. i know it sounds awful, but it is what it is. thirty years of raising my own (and plus years raising my younger brother) have made me somewhat selfish in regards to "me time". i have plans for the rest of my life that don't involve small babies, dang it. BUT, all this crap i'm talking is just that, because i know as soon as i see him all bets are off. i'm such a sucker >.<

we had a pretty decent sized fire in the kitchen yesterday which was difficult to get under control, but Eric and i managed just nicely as soon as we kicked nervous nelly out. Cate is NOT good under pressure, and was simply screaming and panicking to the point of me not being able to remember where the fire extinguisher was, she was doing my head in that badly.

i worry about this. what will she do if and when the baby has an incident she needs to stay calm for?

maybe i should move out..lol